The Dummy's Soul

By I. V. Norman

V: I was glad to see you at church today.  What were you praying about?
F: I was asking the Lord to put vitamins in pie and cake instead of vegetables.
V: Well, that's pretty selfish. my boy.
F: Oh, I asked the Lord to take care of the President, the Mayor, the Governor, and even you.  And I ended my prayers with, "Oh Lord, be sure to take care of yourself, or else we're all sunk."
V: Yes.  Well, I didn't hear you answer when the minister asked you what sins of omission were.
F: Oh, I answered.
V: Well then - what did you say?
F: Oh, I said they were sins we ought to have committed and haven't.
V: Did you understand the minister's sermon about temptation?
F: Well, I guess so, Although I don't get this, "Oh Lord, lead us not into temptation."  It seems to me all he has to do is tell us where it is and we'll find it ourselves.
V: I can see you just didn't understand what the minister's sermon was about.
F: Well I did know that the Goliath the minister was talking about was the fellow David rocked to sleep.
V: You misinterpret everything the minister says.
F:  I did understand it when he said that Moses had indigestion.
V: I didn't hear that.
F: Well, the minister did say, "God gave Moses two tablets..."!
V: Oh, my.  Going to church is wasted on you.  You didn't even understand the message in Jonah and the Whale.
F: Yes, I did.  The morale was, "You can't keep a good man down!"
V: Why did you run out of church before the end of the sermon?
F: Well, the minister kept asking, "Who led the children of Israel into Canaan?", and he kept looking at me.  So I just stood up and yelled, "It wasn't me Parson!"
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From Vent-O-Gram, Vol. 1, No. 7 1963. On eBay auction now:  http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=290661518538


  1. Anonymous1/29/2012

    Thank you so much, Clinton, for sharing this dialogue! We christian ventriloquists do need material like this, it's not easy to find jokes that talk aobut the Bible in a factual yet funny way. Blessings! Marcelo Melison.

  2. Anonymous1/30/2012

    I ditto Marcelo's comment. Gospel ventriloquism has a definite message to get out and bits like this only help. Many times people don't remember the point of a sermon they heard, but they will remember the point a figure makes. I've had it happen often. I'll revisit a church a year or so later and people won't remember the message I preached, but they will remember a comment or point Larry made. Thank you, Clinton.
    Bill Matthews